pap pa ra pap pa... poverty.

Today's entry is going to be a little serious but it's something that I feel I must write about. It's an issue that has affected me since childhood and I hope that by writing about it, I will be able to let go of certain hung-ups that has controlled a part me.

I can definitely say that I grew up from a poor family. This is despite my family's well-off background. My Nanay and Tatay decided to become full-time NGO Workers way back when they were in college. As a result my parents did not have the usual salary. What they have is an allowance, good enough for their operational expenses.

Let me clear the air first. I am not bitter and I do not blame my parents for their decisions. It is true, I did experience hell due to poverty (which is the main reason why I am writing this entry in the first place). However, if I was given a chance, a choice to change this part of my life (financial set-up), I will not think twice and say: "Na-ah, not a chance!" Haha! :D

These are my encounters. This is poverty for me.

I've never lived in a house that is our own. We pay rent and over the years we kept on moving from one house to the next. This for me is the worst part of being poor. I used to live in a squatters area in Lapaz and every time there's heavy rain, it would flood. Flood in that neighborhood is hell. Imagine, black water with floating poop inside your living room. Fights almost every night and politics within the Barangay is a major pain. There was once a time wherein we couldn't buy water (nawasa) because the holder of the key locked the bloody gate. He said he wasn't earning enough money. No one stood up to him because he was a Barangay official. [sigh] Poverty for me means not being able to build a home because poverty will eventually find a way to mess things up.

When I was little there was a time when funds were so low even meals were budgeted. It was so low I had to eat rice with salt and nothing more. Yes, the typical movie-drama-ish scenes that you see in poverty porn, I've actually lived it. It went on for about a week. Then there was a time when boxes of 555 sardines were donated to the organization. Again, funds were low so we were not able to buy food other than rice. So, for about a month we ate sardines from breakfast to dinner. Nanay was so sick of sardines that even until now she avoids it. Haha! :D I on the other hand developed love towards it and consider it one of my many favorites.

Have you ever missed school because you do not have any money for jeepney fares? I have. I was happy of course, I was a kid and like any other kid, missing school is a treat. Hehehe... :) The next day when the teacher asks why was I absent, I would whip up some lie, like a fever. When you're young it's a little hard to put up a brave face while admitting poverty in front of your teacher and school mates. Most of us, including me, were once embarrassed. Mainly because society has this twisted notion that poor people deserves their situation, because they do not work hard enough to uplift their social strata.

Have you ever walked home after school because you were not able to stop yourself from buying snacks during recess? Because you were too hungry and the only money you have left is your jeepney fare home? I have and it's actually quite fun as long as it's not raining. I used to walk home with friends. We would cross an old bridge made from an old railway and we would be laughing all the way.

I have many more memories that shows poverty but this entry is already long and most of you might find it as a bore. Anyway, as you can see for every hell that I went through, I always gain a positive experience in return.

For me and for many others, poverty is the lack of option. The lack of choice to do/have certain things that would have made a certain situation a little bit happier. A Christmas tree during Christmas, a cake during a birthday, new school shoes for an elementary school student, a Chuckie drink for recess, a summer vacation and many more.

However, poverty helps us learn. Helps us see things that the rich has failed and will always fail to see. Poverty enlightens us, therefore making us better.

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high school infernos

I had a very typical high school life and just like everyone else, I have stories to tell. What better way to do it than blogging, right? :)

Now, I went to two high schools. The first one is a public school in a small town called Oton which we will name o2. The second one, a private Catholic school located in Jaro which we will call cs. I will not name names, I might get into trouble. Yes, here in the Philippines you get into trouble when you tell the truth. That's why we have political killings. I will talk about that some other time.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious that o2 and cs are very different. In o2 we don't pay any tuition and, since it's a public high school, it gets its budget from the government. We all know how that's like. Books are old, we lack classrooms, chairs; even teachers. Most of the students came from very poor families. However, the community was great. Everybody knew everybody else. There was camaraderie everywhere and everyone was like family.

I like o2, I felt like I belonged there. I empathized with my fellow classmate when we had to pay Php80.00 for an activity. For her and her family, Php80.00 is a big deal and she had to look for temporary work in order to pay. I complained along with my 59 classmates when the classroom was too hot since we only had one working electric fan. There were 60 of us. Imagine the heat. I groaned with at least 10 of my friends in the back row because we don't have any chairs and sometimes we had to stand. I walked home from school with a fellow friend named Julie. I buy cheap smoothies outside school and hanged out at the town plaza. That was high school life in o2.

Cs on the other hand was very much like hell. Yes, I hated cs. I stood out like an ugly duckling in a swarm of evil wolves. Hehehe... :) Don't get me wrong, I had friends at cs. Very good friends but the rest of them? Evil - pure evil. Oh sure, we had fancy uniforms, classrooms and laboratories. We had expensive books and lastly a facade that we are pure, innocent and good because we went to a CATHOLIC school. [barf]

I was discriminated because I came from a public school. Because I'm an activist, an agnostic, a skeptic and a critic to their very oppressive and very judgmental views.

I comforted a friend in the girl's bathroom while she cried because she was scared and ashamed of her sexuality. Because the whole school kept repeating that homosexuality was immoral and that homosexuals will be doomed in hell. I listened to a classmate complain to our group leader that Php150.00 is too much for a morning snack (agape) and then helplessly bowed his head because our group leader said he was complaining too much. She continued by adding that Php150.00 is cheap and in her opinion mere pocket money. My homeroom adviser forbade me to hang out at UP saying that UP students are bad influences.

Every Thursday (or Friday, I'm not sure), we would have a meeting with our religious group. I asked my homeroom teacher if it was okay not to join any and she said no. Having no choice, I chose a group where most of my girl classmates are involved. When I entered the room, a girl quipped: "Why are you here? You don't believe in God. You don't belong here." I froze; I literally didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream: "I didn't have a choice, MORON!" but of course I didn't. I could've gotten suspended. :)

It got worse when I started arguing with teachers. I stood out. I was different and because of that I was bullied. And then, I fought back. I stood firm and held my ground. I'm glad I did. I'm glad I wasn't normal.

Eventually, I was able to find friends that accepted me for who I am and until this day I'm very thankful I found them. They helped me survive high school.

I graduated high school with my head held high -- my left fist clenched and raised.

P.S.

damu pa ni mga stories but laba na gid. pasensya if medyo emo, malawig nga panahon nga wala napa utwas. salamat sa pag inchindi. :)

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