on my relationship with H, motherhood and everything in between

I'm writing because I feel like I need to. It always calms me down and can give me new perspectives.

I love Henden there's no doubt about that but relationships change after you have your 1st child. I don't know if this is true to other relationships out there but it is true to ours. So, after 5 months as parents, I want to write down some of the lessons that I have learned, realizations that I have made, things that I have come to accept whether or not I like them and most importantly reasons that I have rediscovered why I chose to be with H after all this time (9 years na this September!).

When Tuka came into our lives we became a hundred times busier, 100 times more tired and 100 times crankier. Because we were too tired and lack sleep we became less understanding towards each other and less forgiving, we focused more on the bad stuff, we became short tempered etc. so of course countless fights broke out.

It took a bit of time and a lot of struggling, talking, crying and many more drama-queen episodes for us to be finally back on track. So, here's what I've learned so far...


LET THE DIRTY DISHES PILE UP AND DANCE AROUND THE LIVING ROOM

I'm a neat freak. I like things clean and organized. Not everyone knows about this and most people assume that I'm messy because most of the time I look like I haven't taken a bath in decades and my hair looks like it  has never met a hairbrush before so I can't really blame them. However, I'm very very neat almost obsessive compulsive kind of neat. Fia used to say that I'm a freak because I organized the inside of my closet by size, color, type of clothing etc.

So when Tuka came, it freaked me out that the whole house became one big pile of mess. And let me tell you, babies are messy 24/7. They drool, spill milk, puke, poop & pee all the time, play with their multivitamins, play with their cereal & juices etc etc etc. Everything became disorganized and it rattled my nerves.

Henden & I tried to be on top of the ever growing pile of cleaning that we had to do but eventually we realized that once you have a baby you can't really keep your house as spotless as before and that's okay. It doesn't mean we're bad parents and make a bad family it just means that we're human and we get bloody tired too. So, we have embraced the fact that having a messy house is not as bad as it seems. Messy not dirty mind you. I still regularly disinfect the kitchen and the bathroom, still dust and sweep the house etc.

So when we feel worn out, I let the dirty dishes pile up, H puts on some music, we clear out the living room area and dance our hearts out. :)


MONEY WILL ALWAYS BE A PAIN

Ever since H and I decided to live together and be as independent as possible, money has been our biggest concern. Believe me, we work as hard as anyone out there but prices kept getting higher and demands kept getting bigger so money has and always will be a problem.  (sigh)

Every month we have to pay the rent, electric bill, cable bill, internet bill, mobile phone bills, monthly tuition of Ilaya, basic needs such as water, gas, rice & food, toiletries and now we have to add milk, baby toiletries, and baby equipment & clothes to our long list of expenses.

So since money was tight before Tuka now it is just bloody impossible. o_o  That made both H and me edgy and caused a lot of tension and hostility at home. It was destroying us. So after a bit of thinking I realized that given the lifestyle and the path that we have chosen we would always be poor. Push comes to shove, our allegiance lie with the people and we all know that path does not lead to diamonds and other riches.

So since I have chosen this path I should stop bitching about it. This is after all MY choice and I would never sell my principles. After coming in to terms with this fact H and I avoided fights related to financial problems. We discuss it yes but we stopped putting blame on each other, avoided snide comments and agreed to work together. Along the way, we learned a few tricks to actually get ahead of our money problems.

Now, we're still poor and every month we have to adjust and readjust the budget just to make ends meet and it is still bloody stressful but at least we're in it together and the best part of it all is that I don't feel like strangling H anymore every time he can't meet his supposedly amot for the month. ;)


NO MAN IS INDEED AN ISLAND, NO MATTER HOW CORNY THAT SOUNDS

When we decided to live together and decided to take on the responsibility of caring for Ilaya, we wanted to do it on our own. We wanted to be independent. No help from my family or his family. We thought we could do it, we thought we had it made. We were cocky and we underestimated life and we paid for it BIG TIME.

I'm glad to report though that we have learned from that mistake already. So when Tuka came we were more than happy to accept any form of help extended to us. And when needed, we were not ashamed to ask for help anymore. It was not that difficult for us to accept that we lack knowledge and experience in this area and we needed assistance. It was not embarrassing for us to say that we lack certain needs and ask if they can help us out.

If we ask for help it doesn't mean that we're lazy or that we are not enough. It means we're not perfect and come'on who is? I mean, everyone has asked for help at some point in their lives. People who don't or who haven't are either dead or will die very soon. The world is cruel these days and one needs a good support system in forms of friends, comrades, family, colleagues even strangers in order to survive.

So when all the Lolas of Tuka are around and they want to take care of him, I hand him over straight away. Give needed instructions, prepare all of his possible needs and go to bed. Nyahahaha!!  :D That's a possible 4-hour siesta right there. Grab it! (wink wink) They'll just wake me up anyway if Tuka is really looking for me and this sometimes happen. He cries and cries until I (yes only moi!) take him and hug him and kiss him. Only moi not even H can make Tuka stop crying. Only moi! Nyahahaha!!  :D  Although this is why I'm so bloody exhausted all the time. (sigh)


SNUGGLE, CUDDLE AND OTHER ROMANTIC EK EK

When you become a parent it is necessary to grow up some more and although this is already common knowledge it is still worth mentioning because let's face it, growing up SOME MORE is hard.  ;)  Or is it just me?

When H and I became an official Nanay & Tatay, we were very serious in doing our parental duties well but that left very little time for romance and very very very little energy. (sad face) Also, all those wild crazy romantic sexy stunts that we used to pull? We can't do that anymore, we're parents now! We should be more responsible. I mean, how would the neighbors react if they saw us making love out in the open under the moonlight? Won't that make us shameful parents? Skinny dipping in abandoned beaches, sudden last minute romantic getaways, staying up all night drinking wine while listening to music in candlelight and last but not the least - stay in bed the whole day and do absolutely nothing! Those crazy days are over at least until Tuka turns 1 (?). Hehehehe.. ^_^

But until then we have made it a point to keep the romance well err... breathing until parenting becomes easier and we can have free time once more. So, we make time to snuggle, cuddle give each other some good good lovin (sing the last part). Our most recent stint in keeping the romance breathing was buying a couple of beers, pop them in the fridge, wait until Tuka is fast asleep, put some chairs outside under the moonlight, light some candles, drink the beer & just breathe... which brings me to my next lesson...


DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE

When you're a mom, you have to balance a lot of things. Homemaking, motherhood, sisterhood (in my case), wifehood (is there such a term? haha!) and of course you must not forget your me-time. Balancing all of these can be difficult and sometimes it is easy to feel a bit overwhelmed with everything and there will be times where in no matter what you do, a day will turn out bad. Where in no matter how hard you try you can't just get ahead with the day's responsibilities and the baby keeps crying and you have a million things going on in your head and you feel like screaming your heart out.

During these days don't forget to breathe. Just breathe. In my case, I take a long cold shower as well just to make sure I calm my nerves down. I avoid holding Tuka while tense or angry so when I start to feel like I'm going to be losing it in a few minutes, I stop everything, give Tuka to H, breathe and take a shower and I'll be good as new afterwards. :)

Don't push it, it's not good for you and it's not good for the baby. Always give time to yourself to cool off when you're on edge already.


NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL, GET UP, DRESS UP & SHOW UP! (snaps fingers)

When you're a mom getting up in the morning to do the same responsibilities that you did yesterday and the day before and the day before that and day and blah blah blah... can be tedious. Sometimes, you just want to curl up in bed and sleep the day away. DON'T.

First of all, that's irresponsible unless of course you're sick. Second of all, you'll just feel guilty and hate yourself afterwards. You'll second guess yourself as a mom because you slept when you should have given your baby a bath, you should have done this, and that and and and this.

So, get your ass up, get your game face on and roar! Let's do this thing! (nakz!)

Of course taking a breather is okay and if you are sick, staying in bed is perfectly understandable but being lazy when it comes to Nanay duties is just plain wrong. People who can't handle Nanay duties have no business having sex AT ALL!


and last but not the least... TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME

Everything and anything takes one day at a time. So I have learned to embrace baby steps in everything that I do in life. Sometimes giant leaps are available and by all means, go ahead and grab it but for almost everything else we can only take one baby step at a time.

Sometimes plans fail. Sometimes things that we have dreamed of for a long time take a back seat. Sometimes we have to let go of some dreams and make new ones. Sometimes life just sucks!  o_o

So, take one day at a time.

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There you have it! One cheesy entry!  :)  Sometimes though, cheesy is good. Besides I only do it once in a blue moon so forgive me.  :) xx